Day 39

How did it get to be September already?? Where did summer go?

I spent the long weekend working on campus helping new students get anti-virus installed and troubleshooting network connections. It’s true what they say – no matter how much things change, they still remain the same. It’s been 11 years (Gasp) since I was freshman and they still have that deer-in-the-headlights look that I remember having. Wondering around trying to figure out where they are going and what they should be doing. Just now they do it with a cell phone in one hand and an iPod in the other.

I like working on campus because of the energy the students bring with them. It’s palatable and I love feeding off of it. It keeps me energized and young at heart – and it doesn’t hurt that every fall there is a new batch eye-candy ;) Unfortunately the first few days they bring a lot of other things with them too. Confusion, nervousness, anxiety, loss, loneliness, stress, fear – which I unfortunately feed off of too. I’m going to blame the oddness that I have been feeling the past two days on all the students. I should be all excited, but I have had this blue streak the past couple of days and I just want to shake it. It makes me pessimistic and brings on lots of self doubt and loathing. I should be excited that the deployment is about 10% done, but I keep drumming in my head that I have almost another full year to go. A full year of being alone, of being guarded, of be anxious, of feeling off kilter, of doubting myself. I can’t see past it. I can’t appreciate the new things I will do, the items I will cross off of my list (run a 5K, audition for Survivor, volunteer, learn a new language, …) I can’t look forward to seeing Aaron next week. Rather than seeing it as a chance to see him, I’m seeing it has his last days in the country before he leaves for the desert.

I know this will all pass. But in true Wendy fashion, I want these feelings done and over with now – which seems to make them want to stay longer :( I just keep telling myself .. Tomorrow will be a better day.

361 days to go.